How to Drive Like a Thoughtless, Annoying Jerk
by Kenneth Paul O'Connor
January 26, 2011

Driving a car is one of the greatest joys of living in the modern age. It creates a sense of freedom and opportunity that has been unparalleled in social history. Despite laws created to prevent automobile drivers from abusing this freedom, it is still quite easy for someone to turn the joy of driving into a living nightmare. For those that donít already know, there are a few simple concepts for learning how to drive like a completely thoughtless and utterly annoying jerk.

Speed is perhaps the most important factor in driving like a total jackass. Either too fast or too slow is a very conductive driving speed to bother other people on the road. Too fast is generally considered to be fifteen or more miles per hour (mph) over the posted speed limit. If you are driving 50-75 mph in a residential district you will be considered as a jerk. 75-100 mph will cause you to be regarded as worthless scum and driving in excess of 100 mph will unquestionably induce medieval feelings of loathing. On the highway, upwards to 75 mph is usually OK, so it is then recommended to drive at around 150 mph to insure yourself as threat to the sanity of all other drivers. The highway is also the most effective arena for the tactic of driving too slow. Even grandmothers hate someone who drives under the speed limit on the highway. The best plan is to find the minimum driving speed and drive at about 15 mph less in the fast lane. Cruise control is a good feature to have so you can relax, listen to some tunes, and smile at the people who flip you the bird as they pass by.

Another very important issue is vehicle proximity. The closer you can get to another personís car without banging into it, the more you will flare that personís anger. When following another car, try to bring your car as close you can to its rear bumper, especially when there is no car behind you because the driver of the car will rack his or her brain trying to figure out why you feel the need to be so annoying. A good move to make next is to slow down to give the person some distance and relief and then speed back up, repeating this process until the driver is aggrevated to your satisfaction. Another reliable way to use vehicle proximity is to sharply cut in front of a car moving in traffic. Try to do this when the driver of the car least expects it so he or she must slam on the brakes to avoid crashing into your car. This can be risky but a lot of mischievous fun if executed skillfully.

The use of speed and proximity are the fundamentals, but there are other noteworthy techniques. During night hours, high beams can be blinked or shined steadily at other cars, offending the eyes of the drivers. Horns can be beeped for no other reason than to make vexatious noise. Perhaps you want to perform a multiple point turn in the middle of a road when traffic is coming from both directions. Any of these procedures will really test the composure of other drivers. How about driving the wrong way down a one way street? Even better.

The guidelines have been set. It is now up to you, the driver, to wreck havoc upon the road. Keep an eye out for the boys in blue and may all that is good have mercy upon you.

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